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Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007
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had fusion today and we went to penrith for bowling. parked the car at mt druitt where the cafe is. well we get back to the cafe and debrief and i go to get into my car and its gone. im standing in the parking thinking 'what the fuck i parked it just there'. so i ring mum and tell her my car is gone and i was just bout to go see if i could get a lift to the cop shop to report the stolen car, and some lady said "was it ruy..." i said yes and she told me the cops took it, it was leaking petrol. so i tell mum and she rings mt druitt police and finds out where the car is. anyways i have a defect notice on my car so i cant drive it. police had it towed to this place in mt druitt and i gotta get it towed from there to my mechinic for him to fix it.when mum first made contact with the towing company she got off the fone and the cops walked in and said to the tow drivers they couldnt get in touch with the owner and they said they had just spoken to mum and called her back. thing is the cops should have been able to get my home number out of their system by entering my number plate into their computer...i mean isnt that how they find owners of stolen cars and find out if cars are stolen and shit and get in contact with people. they never fucking did it. mum was home all day so its not like they would have called and no one was here...her car is off the road at the moment as it broke down and dad is away...we now have no cars. and all our plans for the next few days is fucked. mum and i were meant to be going to lost dogs for di chambers birthday so now it looks like only i can go and ill have to stay the night...i dont mind doing that...but mum is the one that wanted to do all this for Di's birthday....it was mum that organised it all. then song birds on friday night. heres hoping mums car is fixed tomorrow...but i doubt it. i need my car...i cant live without it
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Monday, October 1st, 2007
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well i think im going to be back here for a bit...dont know how long and stuff. anyways decided to change my lj around coz some of the things are fitting with me and where i am right now. its been pretty hot here today...days like this i wish i had a swimming pool. i did read over all my old enteries and boy some of them are scary. i cant believe i was that depressed. i dont think i actually put this up but i was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and things havent been completely under control but they have been under control...i still si now and then and i still get suicidal now and then but its not like it use to be which is good
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Sunday, September 30th, 2007
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ok so i wanted to read a friends lj and decided to sign back up but then i thought i would see if this had been deleted...and it hadnt...i was shocked. omg times have changed have had a few shocks reading back these things. anyways i need to nap am going to the rugby league grandfinal with my brother...who knows i might start posting back here again. lets see what the future holds
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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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am basically on the verge of cutting. i might burn first see if that helps. im really not coping tonight. not at all. the only then im scared of when i cut is if i cut to bad then i will have to wake mum argh. im just sick of everything, i went out with some school mates tonight and i love them dearly but i felt so in adequate when we were talking bout working and stuff, one of them has a new car, is going to bali in a couple of weeks...and me im jobless, drinking lots lately, playing pokies heaps lately....and a complete screw up.. and for some reason today i have missed ali heaps and i have found myself hating myself for leaving andy
i really hate me
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Sunday, February 20th, 2005
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so i didnt go to antioch tonight...so shoot me and do me the favour of killing me in the process...it will save me from doing it
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Monday, February 14th, 2005
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| Time: | 7:38 pm. |
| Mood: |  distressed. |
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not doing well want to cut soooooo bad. i want to see the fatty tissue, i want to let the blood pour out of me. i want to die
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im really not doing good tonight...the subject says it all. i havent been doing well for awhile. i dont know why...im just so over living and everything. *sigh* me and my stupid fucked up plan of no hospital this year, as i want to od...but i dont want to die...and if i od i will need to go to hospital and then mum and others will want me to go to st john of God. its good there but i said no hospitals...i will just leave the few small cuts on my arm and start cutting my legs...need to see the blood but have to be careful not to do a bad cut coz then i will have to go the hospital and yah not good. hmmm time to get my razor again
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Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
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just a sort entry im not doing to good tonight. i am really in a bad place right now...so much so that i have a really bad head...just from my thoughts screaming at me. i want to cut so badly just to release some of the tension...if i cut my headache what be as bad as it is. i dont have any razors tho...i got nothing that will cut good. everything i got will just leave scratches that not good enough for how bad my headache is. i wish i didnt have these thoughts and shit they drive me insane...tho i havent had suicidal thoughts for nearly a week...and before that it was a few weeks so those thoughts arent as bad its just the thoughts im no good...that i have evil blood in me...i have to cut so i can get the evil blood out. im going to go hide in my bed...wish this caos would stop
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Monday, December 20th, 2004
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plan and simple MEN ARE FUCKING PRICKS. i had a date tonight with andrew and well lets just say i have had better. we went to the rsl just to hang out...played blackjack and the pokies. that was cool then we go down the road to the pub to play pool anyway andrew had a few beers, we played a game...then another us against 2 others, then him and one of the guys played against each other...anyway next thing there is an arguement and the other guy pushes andrew, so andrew pushed him back...and the other guy jumped andrew then fucking had him pinned to the wall, the other guy then had 2 other mates jump in and go andrew. andrew got asked to leave and refused coz 'he didnt start it'anyway find out the cops had been called so he wanted to leave so we started to leave the guy that started it fucking came after him and jumped him from behind and started going him again. anyway we leave and andrew said he was sorry for that and stuff. next thing the fucking cops drove past and he was hoping they didnt turn around and come after us...he then told me he was on 12months good behaviour for assualt...not cool. anyway we head to doonside (thinking i was taking him home) we go to a mates place i then find out this mate just got out of coban (juvinel detention place) for theift, anyway we end up at someone elses place and they were talking and wanted to get a "hit" he asked me for money and i lied i took him to the atm and when i got back he gave the mate to the other bloke (the theift) and he walked off to get whatever it was they wanted...all i know was it was drugs. so i got outta there. MEN ARE FUCKING PRICKS thats all i got to say
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Sunday, December 19th, 2004
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| Subject: | i'm bored |
| Time: | 6:30 pm. |
| Mood: |  thoughtful. | | Music: | the brainest kid is on tv...its a shit show but too lazy. |
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i am bored. was reading imslightlycrazy's diary and decided to copy this little questioner (eh i know i spelt it wrong so shoot me) thingy and do it myself.
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
um started guitar lessons
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
no i didnt, i had 2, one to stop smoking for good and the other was to stop hurting myself and that kinda stuff.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
many a friend has given birth this year, Amelia had a baby girl, Anita (no not my brothers girlfriend) had a baby girl, and Lisa had a baby boy...and another friend of mine Corinne...Lisa's sister inlaw is pregnant and are coming home for christmas and to give birth to their baby.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes, my best friend Allison committed suicide 21st april and my uncle was killed in a horrific car accident the 6th december
5. What countries did you visit?
i didnt visit any this year...next year tho, next year
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
confidence, and, a decent job
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
the 21st april the day Allison died, the 28th april the day i found out Allison died and the 30th April Allison's funneral. the 27th november my 21st party with mainly family but some friends, the 3rd december my actually birthday and the 6th december the day my uncle died
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
completing the youth work course i started last year
9. What was your biggest failure?
um staying safe and not hurting myself i guess
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yes i slipped on wet floor at work and did my right knee in was off work for 6 weeks or so...and my depression got worse then before
11. What was the best thing you bought?
my guitar
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
i dunno
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
i dunno
14. Where did most of your money go?
paying off my debts
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Kasey Chambers' new cd
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier? um dont think so
ii thinner or fatter? same
iii richer or poorer? richer only a little bit...coz i turned 21 my centerlink payment went up
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
spent more time with Allison
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
thinking
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
well hopefully my brother is going to come out for midnight mass christmas eve, he might even crash at our place the night, but he is coming out for lunch and we are having lunch just me, dad, mum, dave, and nan, not like the good old days...coz we wont be going to nans but its better than not spending it together. then later that afternoon dad and i are going to Aunty Sharon's...its the first christmas she has asked us over and dad and are i going to go over on our way down the south coast. will then be spending bout 12 days down at our caravan down at gerroa....mmmm the beach...beach boys...mmmm
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
um not really. i dont know whats going on with andy...which i knew :(
23. How many one-night stands?
none
24. What was your favorite TV program?
All Saints
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yes i hate my uncles ex wife (yes the uncle the died...and they havent been together for 18 years or so)
26. What was the best book you read?
i dont read many books
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
um Jet
28. What did you want and get?
i wanted front row tickets to one of Kasey Chambers' Sydney show...and i got em 2 of em...but paid nearly $400 when the tickets were $50 each hehehe
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
um did Lizzie Mcquire come out this year...i cant remember...i dont go to the movies all that much
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i had a party with mainly family on the 27th november, i went out with friends on the 1st and again on the 3rd and i had ppl come on the 3rd that i hadnt seen for ages...like Allison's twin Amelia. i was 21 on the 3rd....i feel old now...but im legal in the us...watch out robyn may just have to come over soon hehehe
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
i know its a big something...but Allison not dying
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
i wear whatever i want...stuff fashion
34. What kept you sane?
im never sane
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Shannon Noll
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
bloody JH being re elected
37. Who did you miss?
Allison :(
38. Who was the best new person you met?
too many to name...but i reckon Lexc is at the top with Davey
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
dont take friendships for granted. spend as much time with your loved ones as you can
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| Subject: | random rant |
| Time: | 2:01 pm. |
| Mood: |  mischievous. | | Music: | something on the country music channel. |
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well andy finally called me today, i havent spoken to him since wednesday...or was it tuesday i cant remember...it had been awhile. he rang at a decent hour...10.30am...but yet i was still asleep. he wants to do something today. so he said he would call me back in like half an hour...that was 10.45am...i am still waiting. his phone is off. i sent him a msg suggesting the movies, or 10 pin bowling...or aqua golf...or just lunch, no reply. i hate men...they suck!!! so i havent been bothered to get dressed so i am still in my pjs, at 2pm hehehe.
i went up the coast last night for a chariety gig...Gina Jeffreys, Adam Harvey and Kasey Chambers were there. Beccy Cole was meant to be there and Kasey wasnt. but because Bec couldnt make it...she had double booked, with a corporate gig (which pays well), she asked Kasey to fill in for her. so that was a bonus. it was kinda embarrsing tho. mum drove up and we were following a friend...and next to the club was a servo so we pulled into the servo as the friends we were following wanted to go to their mothers before the show, anywho im sitting in the car, on my phone to a friend at the club, talking to my friend who wanted to go to their mothers and talking to mum...very hard mind you. and i just happen to be looking over at the other car that was at the servo and who happened to be getting into it but Kasey Chambers...so here i am trying to have a 3 way convo screaming 'oh oh oh oh' trying to tell mum who was there...so Kase heard the screaming and turned around...she said she was pretty sure who the scream was...she was right...it was me...so we were both madly waving at one another, she had to keep heading to the club..she wasnt driving tho...worm was driving...he has a bomb of a car lol. then when the show had started Kase grabbed a seat at the table near the ladies...and i was busting...so i decided to go the long way...but i didnt notice that Kase had gone to the bar...i had to walk past...at first she had her back to me...so i kept going...anyway im walking outta the ladies and was hoping she wasnt still at the bar...and next thing she puts her drink down and walks up to me and gives me a great big hug, so we stand there talking for a bit and stuff. was so cool. i had a christmas present for her and for talon. i got her a pair of some really cool black earrings...i loved em...and talon i got him a book...'cold spagetti western' it was the wiggles hehe, but i didnt have them on me. anywho i go back to my seat and everyone i was with was asking heaps of questions bout the convo lol. anyway i didnt go back to give Kase her present...hoping i would see her before she left...but i didnt...but i still got to talk to her.
i ended up giving Gina, Kase's present and Talon's, and Beccy and Ricky's, and Sara's. I got Gina some nice silver butterfly earings, her son Jackie a book it was called 'wheres boo' or something like that...was very cool. Beccy got a nice silver necklace that had like little doves on them, and Ricky got a space book that the wiggles put out, and i got Sara a nice butterfly necklace. was all really nice.
i have started my christmas shopping i am going to get up early tomorrow morning and go when the shops open...or go when the shops open wednesday morning. i still got heaps to get i gotta go mum, dad, dave, nan, dan, anita and i think thats it. i have them worked out practically
mum - i am going halfs with nan and getting her the 'some mothers do have em' box set which is $80, but i am also getting her a set of earrings similar to what i got Gina (mum is getting her ears re pierced this week some time)
dad - i am thinking of getting him 'the best of series 3 and 4 on the buses' its a bloody funny show...if i dont get that i dont know what ill get him.
dave - i am getting him 'the waugh era' book...its on steve waugh (cricketer that my brother loved watching play)
nan - a dvd havent decided what one yet, its either going to be the vicar of dibley, mother and son or keeping up apperances
dan - i have half her present, i got her some funky earrings that have dice and stars, i want to get a necklace to go with it...and a cow thing probably, but there will be something else with the earrings and necklace
anita - probably something from the body shop, im not too sure gotta ask dave if there is anything she wants
oh i forgot bundy my dog, i have got him i toy that they cant knock over hehe, some dog chocolates from the pet shop...he loves them and another squeaky toy...i will probably get him some other stuff too
i only have $350ish to spend =/ hope thats enough.
i am getting frustrated at andy, he aint getting anything lmao. i didnt expect this entry to be this long hehehe im going to shutup now lmao
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Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
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| Subject: | bored |
| Time: | 9:07 pm. |
| Mood: | naughty. | | Music: | none...just about to go buy more lights. |
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hehe im bored. i want to see andy. i want to call him and get him to get his arse over here and help me finish putting up the lights to decorate the house for christmas...but i dont want my parents and nan to met him yet. they know practically all of my friends...and i just want one that they know of from me talking bout him...but havent met him...just for awhile...just till i know whats happening between me and him.
on the other hand my little man bj (11) had a mate kill himself...his mate was also 11. very said that an 11 yr old would think of that...and do it...apparently this kid's parents were in jail and his grandmother was bringing him up and doing a good job...he got grounded and thought 'well i'll show you' and hung himself...hmmm very sad
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i dont know why i am letting myself get worked up over something that i knida knew would happen. see my best mate is now going out with the guy i like...and have liked for awhile. but i could see it coming...but he is a guy that if i am friends with i am friends with, if we are more than friends than we are more than friends. and im with andy. so i dunno why im getting worked up
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Monday, December 13th, 2004
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ok so theres this guy i meet Andrew (Andy), he is 21 and drives trucks. he seems so sweet, i met him at the club the night of my birthday. i was dancing with some mates and he came up and started hitting my arse. well what was i to do...i looked at him and thought he was hot...i thought a bit of fun wont hurt, and it didnt. i had been drinking that night..but i didnt do anything i wouldnt have wanted to do. anyway we danced i went and had a drink...went to have one with him...and couldnt find him...went to go out side for air (it was bout 1.30amish) anyway on my way out Andy found me...i introduced him to my mates that were still around...i told him to get his drink and come sit down...anyway after awhile i went after him and told him i was just about to go...so he asked for my number and i got his. sat i msged him and said it was nice meeting blah blah blah. so anyway i then end up in hospital. i lied to him for a few days didnt want to tell him the truth. i ended up telling him last friday and he has been cool with the depression self harm and suicide attempts, he said he can handle that if i can handle a truck driver that may be interstate here and there.
so anyway this last week he has called me nearly everyday...if he hasnt called he has msged me. today he has called me bout 4 times. but he needs to call at a decent hour not 6.30 AM lol...sometime after 10 would be nice lol. so anyway i dont know if we are together or not. if we are cool, if we're not thats cool too.
im wishing i could see him now tho. would be nice to see him again...
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in memory of Uncle Kevin...even tho he isnt my brother, he was and is my dad's brother. Love ya Uncle Kevin...wish i spent more time with you.
The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows where
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy he's my brother
He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
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| Subject: | am home |
| Time: | 5:39 pm. |
| Mood: |  calm. | | Music: | he aint heavy his my brother...going through my head. |
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well i am home now. i got discharged today...to see how i go in the next week...i go to my psych next tuesday. i am glad to be home. i HATE hospital, yet the funny thing is i always make myself go there...hmmm...but i hate hospitals, which is good coz i always do my best to get outta there.
i still havent "felt" anything over Uncle Kevin, the funeral is friday. dad is going to carry the coffin...with Uncle Noel, probably Uncle Paul and Uncle Jeff if he is back in time. Uncle Jeff is on a boat in the middle of Bass Strait...and the company won't let him come home...but the boat is due in friday morning. He knows his brother is dead but they just wont let him come home early. James might also be carrying the coffin...i dunno. I'm not...and my brother isn't...but i have offered to get up and do a reading or whatever they want. i need to face my fear of getting up at a funeral, as when nan dies i will be getting up and reading a poem/song i have written already...and i am going to be carrying the coffin...i actually want to pick it up and put it on my shoulder. Dad doesnt want to do that with his brother...i can sorta see why. mum had a thought for a song today, for the end when the brothers are carrying the coffin out (i cant think of the word for carrying the coffin out), so mum is going to ring one of my Aunties and suggest it, she thought they could play "He ain't Heavy, His my brother" while the 3/4 brother carry Uncle Kevin out.
I actually did get close to tears today on the way home when mum suggested the song to me, and it was as we drove past the accident scence. but the tears just wouldnt come...i could feel them building up and stuff but they didnt come. its frustrating.
Uncle Kevin's ex has disappeared...good i dont want her at the funeral. i know it sounds mean but i hate the bitch, even tho i dont really remember her much i hate her...coz when she left Uncle Kevin he started drinking more.
If i can find the lyrics to this song i might put them in here...oh i will do a seperate entry aswell about andy!!!
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Sunday, December 12th, 2004
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| Subject: | bah |
| Time: | 2:02 pm. |
| Mood: |  crazy. | | Music: | some christmas cd mum has on. |
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well i have had my overnight leave so i am now just waiting for mum to be ready to take me back to the hospital...i dont know why i am going back though...i am being discharged tomorrow...grrr...10 big scratches from my nails...and i will probably do more...im just not coping atm. i feel like i should be killed or something...as i havent "felt" anything over my uncle's death. everyone else has cried i havent. im not suicidal...omg for once, i am urgy tho...i am wanting to cut or burn...got me a new lighter so i can do that. but i dont want to try and kill myself, as i dont want my family to have to mourn 2 people at once.i might actually print some of this stuff out so i know what to say to my doc tomorrow...i never know what to say to him so maybe thats a start. hmmm well guys i will most likely be back tomorrow...but if i dont make any entries will mean i havent been discharged but from what i know its a 99% chance ill be discharged. love and hugs to all.
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Saturday, December 11th, 2004
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well i have been in hospital since monday night...i was in emergency all monday night then i got transfered to st john of god at burwood where i spent nearly 2 months, not long ago. i was meant to have been discharged today but my uncle got killed monday night in a horrible car accident...and i am yet to "feel" anything...i have numbed myself out to it...like i did with Allison in april. my primary nurse didnt quite think i was quite ready to go home so she and my doc compromised and i am on overnight leave and will most likely come home monday. and now i have numerous nail scratches on my as i have no razors and i am just about broke...i used practically the last of my money to buy the pills to od on, and basically its a bit hard to go the shops when in hospital and stuff. anyway just thought i would let those who care know i am alive...but still not doing to good. but i am getting there slowly...very slowly. but i am alive. lexc will call you soon, i have had no credit on my phone. love yas
oh oh oh and i meet this guy last week at my party..have told him bout the depression and stuff...and it doesnt bother him...oh he is 21 and pretty cute
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Monday, December 6th, 2004
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| Subject: | sorry |
| Time: | 6:25 pm. |
| Mood: | distressed. | | Music: | thoughts of my own mind. |
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guys im sorry, i have od'd...mum taking me to hospital. i will be ok tho..i am going to get help i love you all...lexc sorry i didnt call you i know i broke a promise. i love you all
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deb_deb's journal
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flirty.